My Trip to the Barber Shop

A typical Saturday for The Sports Couple is similar those of most other couples- we spend our time running errands and taking care of business that is tough to do during the week.  Since my golden locks (ha) were getting a little bit out of control, and we have a wedding tomorrow, I knew it was time for a haircut.  A trip to the Barber Shop is generally viewed as an enjoyable experience.  Note, I will not go to the salon, or some stylist, but the barber shop.  Today, was quite the experience for several reasons.  Enjoy my adventure below.

1.     My normal barber shop is George's in Park Slope, who do a hell of a job.  But today the weather sucked, so Sarah and I didn't feel like walking the 3 miles round trip.  We walked to the place that is closest, which I have never been to before.  I was shocked as we walked up and it was closed.  What kind of business, dependent upon people needing a chunk of time, isn't open on a Saturday at 11am?  This place may in fact be a front for the Russian mob.  On second thought, good thing it was closed.

2.     My next stop was a place that I have been to before in a pinch and usually does a decent job.  This is where the real fun begins.  I walked in with Sarah and grabbed a seat, taking my turn in line.  This is normal.  All the chairs were full, and it didn't look like anyone's hair was being destroyed, so I felt good.  

3.     Then a guy walked in with a throw back Jets hat.  This is normally a good thing, a fellow Jets fan, barber shop remaining busy and so forth.  For several reasons this was not.  First of all, this middle aged white man DID NOT BEND THE BRIM OF HIS HAT.  I typed that in all caps for a reason.  What the hell?  Did he miss a memo?  The 90's?  Was he conducting an EddieMurphy SNLesque skit?  This really bothered me.  Not only did I want to rip the hat off his head and fix it for him, it made me sick to be a Jets fan.  We don't need douches like this poisoning our team karma.  Making matters worse, after sitting for about 5 minutes and tinkering with my phone, he approached me. He started off by saying "Hey, buddy, I was in here before you and ran out to talk to my girlfriend while she was looking for parking."  I responded by giving him a death stare, the kind you develop over seven years of teaching and time in the military.  He continued, "You can ask these guys.  I am in line before you."  I responded by pretty much blowing the guy off, probably because I was thinking several things such as, you don't have girlfriend and if you do she is trying to park her rascal because she is pushing 3 bills (300lbs) and I wish there were ropes on both sides of the barber shop because I am ready to give you the people's elbow.  I let said douchbag go before me to avoid a possible arrest on my behalf.

4.     Luckily, it did not have to wait much longer for a barber to become available.  I eagerly took my seat, only to hear one of the most idiotic questions of my existence.  The barber asked me "Haircut time"?  What?  This is not where I order a latte from Starbucks?  You mean to tell me I waited all this time and you’re not going to take my dry cleaning?  Really?  This is what the world is coming to?  

5.     Continuing on, the barber asked me what kind of haircut I wanted.  I quickly fired off, "a 2 to 3 fade, trim the top".  I was able share this so quickly, because I have been getting the same haircut for eight years.  After he began, he asked me if it was the right length.  Another unnecessary question.  Again, I have been getting the same haircut for eight years! As a matter of fact, very few grown men I know ever change their haircuts.   This is one of a man's major responsibilities in life.  Once you get a job, you are pretty much locked in unless you need to shave your head because of chemotherapy or the onset of baldness.   A barber should be aware of this.  Making matters worse, he had halitosis.  C'mon.  Halitosis. You are a barber, you work in close proximity to your clients, do you want them to have to cover their nose while you are trying to work?  Gargle with some Clubman, or something.

6.     One of the things that has changed during my lifetime is that in barber shops they now have LCD televisions for your entertainment while you get your haircut.  Back in the day, you would have to talk to the barber, which required him to have small talk skills. If you've read what I have written, you know my barber was deficient in this category.  However, I was happy to be able to zone out to some crappy TV- I was hoping to see a Steven Seagal movie in which he either runs awkwardly or breaks some bad guys arm into 300 pieces after some cheesy threatening line.  The other option, Sarah and I being the Sports Couple and all, would be some NCAA basketball.  However, I get stuck with European soccer.  Let me admit, that as a youth I played soccer.  My sister played in college.  My other sister has been to the national team camp, and aspires to make the roster.  Yet, what the hell is this?  The only American's who like to watch soccer are recent immigrants who have strong connections to their teams.  This may be the case with my barber today.  However, isn't the TV supposed to service the customer?  Shouldn't he hand me a remote, and ask what I'd like to watch?  Shouldn't ESPN be on the television?  Or at least NBC Sports?  Shouldn't he have the bank of Seagal and Van Dam movies ready to watch?  What has happened to customer service in this country?  I should open up a barber shop consulting business and set these fools straight.  

7.     Finally, the end result of this barber shop visit was a positive.  The barber, despite his terrible haircut, did a solid job.  On a side note, how the hell does a barber get a bad haircut?  Does he try to do it himself?  Does he have an inferior colleague who messes it up?  Anyway, I pay my $14 for the haircut and tell the guy to keep the change.  A decent tip.  He reacted liked he was shocked.  Are people in Brooklyn so cheap?  You can't hook a guy who has sharp scissors and a razor blade against your head with a couple of bucks?  This is not cool.  And it isn't like most of the people in the neighborhood are struggling economically, and can't afford a five dollar tip.  

All in all, my trip to the barber shop was pretty eventful.  I hope you have a better experience then I did when I went to get my haircut today.  Let me know what you think.