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Saturday, March 10, 2012

How Cleveland exercises the ghost of LeBron

The Cleveland Browns are 29.8 million dollars under the salary cap.  How does this relate to LeBron James, and the ghosts he left behind after The Decision?  A very good question.  The answer- sign Drew Brees.  This seems like a crazy idea.  Perhaps it is.  However, maybe it is just crazy enough to work.  Maybe the karma of Cleveland will finally change.  Maybe, for just one time, the sports gods will protect the mistake by the lake.  Wait, I forgot about a giant swarm of midges [note:  mlb has apparently destroyed all actual video of this event].  Anyway, follow my logic.

  • The Browns have a ton of cap room- about $29 million according to estimates.  I have been on a cap space frenzy lately.  nyjetscap.com is still the best site, btw.
  • The Browns have 2 first round picks this year, and barring the incredible, will not be able to draft RG3.
  • Drew Brees is pissed about being tagged.  He has also been called good, not great by his GM.
  • The Saints are in cap trouble, and have to find a way to sign Carl Nicks and Marques Colston.
  • The Saints will also get punished because of the bounty system.  They already traded their first rounder this year for Ingram, and I think Gooddell is going to go Thor on them and drop the hammer.
  • Drew Brees brought football back in New Orleans, gave a city some hope that desperately needed it, and is a local hero.  Plus he is mega dad, as evidenced by this video.
  • Cleveland had to deal with The Decision, Tim Couch, Eric Mangini and Romeo Crennel.
What does all of this mean?  If the Browns have some guts, and have the courage to forever change the sports karma, and well, just the karma of Cleveland, they will make a godfather offer to Brees.  If they use all of their available cap space, the Saints will have a tough time matching.  Of course, with Drew Brees being franchised, the Browns would have to surrender 2 first rounders- wait, they have an extra one this year to off set the loss of one of those first rounders!  Brees might feel interested in this deal, because not only is he being disrespected by NOLA, but he would have the opportunity to save another doomed franchise, which happens to be close to a place that he will be visiting after he retires in Canton.  He would have the immediate love and respect of the fans of Cleveland, and become the face of the city.  The image of LeBron leaving would be exercised from the sports memory of Cleveland, and the Browns would be the cities darling once again.  The Browns would have their best player since Jim Brown, and their best chance of winning since Paul Brown coached the team.  Keep in mind the Browns lost 6 games by a combined 27 points.  I think Brees could turn those loses into wins, which would give them 10 for the year, and a chance in the playoffs.

  I'm not saying that I know anything, except that I have common sense.  This would work.  This would make sense for all the parties.  And it would be the ultimate sports karma justice.  A city that lost its best player in a manner that makes the heart getting ripped out scene from Temple of Doom look humane, from a city that put a bounty on historic quarterbacks and doesn't value their all time great now.  If you don't agree, ask yourself one question:  "What would Tim Tebow do?"

Mike prematurely....says goodbye


Mike jumps the gun.

Sarah's Final Farewell


So sad.

The t-shirt promotes a great coping mechanism.

...footage of what is left of the Colts.

Because sometimes you need to laugh at hardcore German rap!

What does Tuck say to P-Dog?

Tuck to Peyton Manning: Don’t come to NFC East

^ take a look.

This is pretty funny.

Relax Senor Tuck, big brother wouldn't want to be the one to give the Giants a reality check. ;)

Letters of Anger - Part 4


Dear Pigeons,

Respect me. I killed one of your dumb cousins years ago with my former motor vehicle. Watch yourselves.

Love,
Sarah

Dear ‘Something Else’ store on Smith Street in Brooklyn,

Your title makes it seem like you are unique. You are not. Your clothing line is bland and a colossal disappointment.

Love,
Sarah

Dear people at Chase bank that take 20 minutes at the ATM in order to check their balances,

I would love to take your receipt and start a small fire in your hair with it.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Chase bank,

If you fail to get more than 2 ATMs in your little site – there will be a small fire in a customer’s hair. Other banks never have a line due to plentiful ATM access. What don’t you get? Small fire in hair. Remember. Make changes. And while you are at it – try to quit sucking.

Love,
Sarah

Dear guy from the ‘Real Housewives of NYC’ that lives across the street from work,

You and your tight plaid pants made my baby-making parts wither up and evaporate.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Olives,

Get the HELL out of my salad.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Cottonelle Toilet Paper Company,

The cute dog in your advertising campaign does not wipe his butt. False advertisement. Get someone to pose on your TP who you know uses a lot of toilet paper – like Rex Ryan!

Love,
Sarah and Mike

Dear Fairway Market shoppers,

Talking is for telephones, cell phones, facebook chat, skype, or texting. Move your chatty butt out of the high traffic isle in front of the deli before we make you part of the butcher’s display.

Love,
Sarah and Mike

Dear Fairway Market,

You could probably sell poop in a bottle and it would look more appealing than that organic “food” you have stuffed in the corner.

Love,
Sarah and Mike

Is it Peyton or O.J.? The Bronco Chase!



You be the judge! Note, I did not make this video, but I wish I did!


All we needed was a phone call from Pat McAfee telling him not to do it- "everyone loves you"!

Did the Redskins give up too much?

After paying a King's ransom for the right to draft RG3, did the Redskins give up too much?  This isn't an easy question to answer.  I think they did.  The reason why-- with the new collective bargaining agreement the value of a first round pick has increased, because they no longer kill the cap.  Remember, Cam Newton carries a $5 million value for the next three years.

I understand why the Skins made this move, but I think they should have been a little more patient.  Daniel Snyder's desire to win at everything means that this team will be razor thin for years.  Any injuries will leave them with little depth.  And who the hell is going to catch RG3's passes?  Santonio Moss?  I don't know.  Plus, they play in a brutal division, were teams just beat the hell out of each other.  But, really with Rex Grossman and John Beck, plus Peyton apparently not interested, did they have any choice?  This may break them out of decent team purgatory, or set them back for about 10 years.  The question Redskins fans must answer is, do you want Shanahan gambling with the next 10 years of your franchise?  I wouldn't, considering his age, which will be 60 before the season begins.

The Rams did very well in this trade.  They will be able to add at least six players that are first round guys, for less than a quarter of their cap.  Very nice.  Plus, I think these picks will be high draft picks, for the simple reason of the division that the Redskins play in- remember, they have to play the Giants, Eagles and Cowboys twice.  With the pass rush of the Giants and Eagles, a rookie QB is going to have a tough time, especially with no weapons.  The Rams also play in a division that is middling, so I think in a few years, like 2014, they will be a Superbowl team.  Riddle me this- next year, the Rams play okay, add two more pieces in the draft, and in 2013, they finish .500 with Fisher leading the way, trade their two first rounders for a top 5 pick, add an explosive player through the draft, and because of the new television contracts have a ton of cap room to add a superstar free agent.  I would recommend that we all go buy our Rams jerseys now.




The Capology of Peyton and the Jets: Why they stuck with Sanchez

During my lunch today I decided to do some research- specifically, what the hell the Jets salary cap looked like this year.  This was done in the hopes of finding out if the Jets could financially afford to sign good old #18.  Not to my surprise, they are pretty tight against the cap this year- but workable. It confirmed with an incentive laden deal the Jets could pretty much add Manning, but not much else without a major change on the roster.  The information I used in writing this was gathered from nyjetscap, an excellent website you should visit if you are a football dork like me.
However, what I did not expect was quite surprising and revealing.  Once I began digging deeper, I came to the conclusion that the decision to pursue Peyton has implications that will take hold over the next few years, and really define the franchise.  2012 will either be a year in which the Jets go for it all, or a year in which they begin to rebuild.  They must decide if they think the veterans on the roster have it in them for another run to the Super Bowl, or if they have already peaked.  Rex Ryan must decide if he will fire down more pretzel M&Ms, or snack on carrots so he can live long enough to see through the retooling project set to begin next year.  In 2013, the salary cap situation changes drastically.  The Jets all of a sudden are projected to be way over the cap, although it is not as bad a thing as one might imagine.  This year's situation is terrible for many reasons. Follow the money with me for a moment, in the following bullet points, discussing the 2012 cap:

  • The team currently has just under $8,000,000 in salary cap space.  This does not include current free agents like Sione Pouha, LT, Him Leonhard or the restricted Aaron Maybin.
  • If the team cut such illuminaries as Santonio Holmes ($11million cap hit) and Bart Scott ($1.25 million cap hit) they would be OVER the salary cap.   Pretty much they are better suited playing a giant cry baby and an over the hill guy this year then they are to cut them.  Can't Wait!
  • This also extends to Calvin Pace, who would bring a $1.75 million cap hit. For those of you who don't watch the games, Calvin Pace pretty much sucks.  In the past two years he has counted for over $13 million against the cap and has produced nine sacks.  He also doesn't ever really make any big plays.  I'd pretty much rather run Aaron Maybin out there and see if he can continue to develop.
  • Even though we haven't heard much about dumping him, cutting the overrated, afraid of Tim Tebow, Antonio Cromartie would result in a $9.25 million cap hit.  Maybe we can trade for Tebow and have him scare off Cromartie and his nine children.  This would of course require Antonio to remember the name of all of his children, therefore is very unlikely.
  • Cutting Eric Smith would save the team 2 million.  Is Eric Smith worth 2 mil?  Probably not, but at least he occasionally makes a big hit.  Wait till the 2013 scenario to find out why they should keep him.
  • Mark Sanchez would pretty much have to go in order to sign Peyton- the Jets would save just over $9,000,000 on this years cap.
  • Cutting Brandon Moore saves $3 million.  He is solid, but not great.  Matt Slauson getting cut saves $572,000.  The only negative is if one of these guys goes, it is either a high draft pick on a guard, or the Vlad Ducasse ($175,000 cap hit if he is cut) era is in full effect.  Run whoever is playing QB-- and I mean for your life.
After thinking about the cap situation, I arrived at one simple conclusion.  The Jets need to go all in, or pull away from the table.  Chasing Manning means that the Jets would have to cut Sanchez.  I searched up and down the roster and it is really the only way to be able to bring back our key free agents, and maybe add a halfway decent receiver.  Cutting Sanchez means that our fortunes are tied to Peyton, especially because a high draft picks would have to be used to fill holes, not a development QB.  This would also mean putting our faith in the veterans above to return to some kind of form, and play well.  It would mean that the team pretty much had to win a Super Bowl next year, or the franchise would be set back several years- like, Rick Kotite era years.
On the other hand, if they Jets do not add Manning, and play with what they have this year, the 2013 off season becomes much more interesting.  The key cap notes:

  • Cutting Santonio Holmes saves $1.25 against the cap.  This would clearly be his biggest play as a Jet.
  • Cutting Anotonio Cromartie save $1.25 million.
  • Cutting the immortal Calvin Pace ($8.5 million) and Bart Scott ($7.15 million) clears a ton of cap room.
  • Getting rid of a guy who can't remember the snap count, Vlad Ducasse would save $165,000.  I would cut him for the simple reason that he isn't a Russian and is named Vladimir.
  • Dumping the coverage impaired Eric Smith would save $3 million.
  • Wayne Hunter has a $4 cap number.  Wayne Hunter.  Does he get paid a dollar for each sack and false start?
  • Total cap savings for getting rid of this dead wood:  Just about $25 million dollars.
Take not with the Sanchez extension I do not know what the cap implications are, as of yet.  However, if they had cut him in 2013 it would have saved $6 million.  I'm not sure how his extension is structured, but if they didn't give him much guaranteed money in the contract, which I hope to God they didn't, they will be about $27 million under the cap.  This will give them great flexibility moving forward.

Final Thoughts:  I think the Jets came to an important realization this year.  That if their veterans do not rebound, which I don't think will happen, they are staring down the barrel of a rebuilding project.  By signing Sanchez, they are trying to create a sense of stability in the organization.  However, I do think they left wiggle room in the deal- ala the Peyton $28 million bonus- which will let them get away from Sanchez if he doesn't improve.  The real proof will be in what they do in the draft- if they make a move for a QB, and I increasingly think they may make a move for a guy like Tannehill, they will remake the franchise.  This year did become an all-in year for the Jets, just with Sanchez instead of Manning.  If they fall flat on their faces I think we will be in for major changes.  The good news is that if they do, 2013 will allow them to get rid of the dead weight, and put them in a great position for 2014, when the salary cap is expected to increase greatly because of the new T.V. contracts. I'm in the odd position of secretly hoping the Jets kind of suck this year, so we can hopefully remake the franchise in the right way for once.  This means getting rid of Rex, who will have worn out his welcome by the end of next year, dumping Mr. T (the Christmas tree for you German speakers), and bringing in a management team that knows what the hell their doing.  Remember, this is a team that hasn't had a good draft in quite a while, and I mean you Vernon Gholston.  
Just keep in mind that this is an all in year for the Jets, and the guy calling the shots won't be Peyton, but rather Mark Sanchez.  Obviously, its time for some more ground and pound.  As I write this I talk myself into Trent Richardson slipping to the Jets, and a the veterans rebounding.  Sometimes I hate being a Jets fan.   Sarah and I may be in for a very dark fall.  Winter is coming!



The Hospice Care of NFL Clothing


Sarah and Mike's photographic reaction to Sanchez news

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Peyton NOT going to Jets

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

The Jets extended the contract of QB and all-around "great" leader Mark Sanchez and dropped out the the PM contest.

Will Sanchez be able to get his teammates to play for him? Will he act like a confident QB? Will he improve?

We shall see what happens.

Are Jets fans happy about this?

Sarah's Student Plays Trick On Her

I have a student that frequently likes to play pranks on me.

This is one of his most successful pranks.


I guess I made the mistake of buying him fake bugs.

Student 1, Sarah 0

Sarah's Reaction to Colts Cuts (in photos)







HEY COLTS FANS!

Remember all those jerseys that were "safe?" Yeah, well, all of those players have been cut.

ASKDHFJKH

Are you terrible at golf?



Pep Talk for the crappy golfers. Enjoy.

Duncan says Brees won't sign

Duncan says Brees won't sign franchise tende - 03-08-2012

^ Take a look. This is interesting.

The Drew Brees Saga.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

COMING SOON:

Mike and Sarah will make a Direct TV commercial parody.

It will be crappy quality and equally crappy acting.

Don't fall off of the edge of your seat.

Another NBA players acts like a spoiled piece of talent

Josh Smith still wants to be traded - 03-08-2012

I guess Josh Smith wants to takes HIS talents elsewhere. Publicly stating the trade wish by any professional athlete is a terrible mistake. They looks like jerks. If they do not get traded, then they lose the respect of their teammates, coaches, and fans. If they get traded, then new teammates, coaches, and fans look at him as a ticking time bomb.

No other worker in the United States could get away with this behavior. Imagine if I walked around my school and told people that I wanted to change schools and exhibited maladaptive behavior toward my coworkers and administration. People would hate me. There would be a backlash. Colleagues would likely tell me to leave. Only professional athletes get away with this crap. Proving once again - these people live in a fantasy world.

Name one person that does not want to read about Alex Smith?

Alex Smith contract: What's the snag? - 03-08-2012

Okay, so maybe the title of this post is written incorrectly. Let me try it again. Name one person that wants to read about Alex Smith.

I am hoping to get 1 view for this post.

Gist of the above link: The 49ers have yet to off Smith and his agent a contract worth signing. Smith and his agent (Tom Condon) want a long term deal. The 49ers are offering something a bit too short. It will get done. It just hasn't yet.

Confined Thoughts


I might as well have been locked up in solitary confinement today. I barely spoke to anyone and found myself lost in my thoughts for the bulk of the day. I was sent by the education industry to be trained “properly” as a test scorer. Test scorer or WORST nonpaid obligatory job ever. Whatever. Anyway, I had a few thoughts that I will share.
  • A few months back I went to the special education hole-in-the-hall depot for a professional development – as I frequently do every now and then. On this particular day, I realized that there was a distinguished looking building by the subway stop. I paused, looked at it, and processed the visual that my eyes sent to my brain. This building is pretty well-known. People have pictures of it in their homes. Ikea sells a print in an over-sized plastic frame.  And as clear as day, it dawned on me. The building is the Flat Iron building. Out of the 400 times I had visited the special education hole-in-the-wall depot, I never noticed that the Flat Iron building was looming above me. I felt pretty stupid.
                Here I am, months later, and I do it again. I stop, look at the building, process the visual, and then               finally realize that I am a moron. The Flat Iron building gets me every time. And this is how my day started. 
  • As I mentioned earlier, I had to go through the most ridiculous training for this test scoring business. It is tedious and time consuming. As a result, I have decided that I would rather put together IKEA furniture. On my own. Or I would rather put my head in a bear trap. 
  • I cannot stand it when people (mostly women) exaggerate the “s” at the end of words. For example – “I live in Washington Heightsssssssssssssss.” Are you a snake? 
  • I realized that I NEVER get picked for anything cool. Evidence: I get picked to grade the most monotonous “test” in New York State…for six out of seven days. I should NEVER waste my money on a lottery ticket. Things I have been picked for in the past (also not cool): A jury, free tickets for 'Hollywood Squares', and the Teaching Fellows (oh, ouch!).
  • For lunch I decided to take in the scenery that the neighborhood provided for me. So I bought a string cheese from Seven Eleven and hung out in front of the VA hospital. Bless these people, but for a while I forgot where I was geographically located. I could have sworn I was teleported to Coney Island. Yikes! 

12 teams call Peyton Manning's reps

12 teams call Peyton Manning's reps - 03-08-2012  <---click on the link

We have no idea where he will go.

No idea.

Peyton Manning - Pep Talk of the morning



Need a pep talk this morning? Me too.

Rory Mcilroy footage playing tennis



I would like to say this is funny. It really is not. It is more awkward and interesting.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

KONY 2012



This is unbelievable. If you have a beating heart and the ability to empathize with people suffering - you HAVE to watch this video.

Stop KONY 2012.

Letters of Impatience - Part 1


I tried really hard not to get angry today. I fear that I am getting a reputation as a misanthrope.

So instead of focusing on my anger – I focused on my impatience.

Ladies and gentleman, here are my letters of impatience (part 1).


Dear lady getting two cups of coffee and taking up a bunch of space at Union Market,

The coffee is not wine. Stop tasting it and scurry along. It all comes out pee anyway.

Love,
Sarah


Dear “great thinkers and planners” in charge of the tests that I have to grade next week,

Queens is not convenient to anyone. Oh, and way to get out of paying people per session by pulling teachers out of the classroom for a week without option. You harp on consistency yet cause inconsistency. My students will suffer. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah


 Dear common sense,

Do you just stay away from Brooklyn, New York? Is it the smell? The garbage? Or the accent?

Love
Sarah


Dear lady in the Stephen Hawking mobile at Rite-Aid,

Move.
Love,
Sarah


Dear stupid woman that crowded behind me at a store while I was trying to pay,

I wish Mike was here to crop dust you.

Love,
Sarah


Dear Colin Cowherd,

You are an idiot.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Anonymous Pooper at work,

You forgot to flush. My last image of work was a floater. I may start using the student bathroom and risk urinating in a cigarette smoke cloud with teenage noise pollution. 

Love,
Sarah

Random Thoughts & Nannies

Haven't blogged as much as I should have lately- sorry for all of my dedicated fans (Sarah being my dedicated fan, and I was able to pluralize because I make the dogs sit in front of the computer to drive up page views) but work has been stressing me out lately, and taking up entirely too much time.  Which reminds me, I have to do some lesson planning, but first some random thoughts to brighten your day:

  • This week has been subway car hell for me.  On Tuesday it was smelly homeless person in the morning. Nothing like the smell of gang green to motivate you through the workday.  Today it was a lady with gout so bad, and exposed, that it made my feet hurt.  And made me have to hold the vomit inside of mouth from 59th street to Pacific Ave.  I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring.  Yea Brooklyn!
  • I am really getting tired of the endless speculation on where Peyton Manning will wind up.  I hope he makes his decision soon so we don't have to hear more endless speculation.  I am already tired of hearing every talking head argue the same points they have been since the Super Bowl.  My guess is he winds up shocking everyone and landing with a team no one expects.  Maybe Baltimore, or Tennessee. 
  • People who walk slowly down the street in large groups should step in front of traffic.  You may have no where to go but around these parts you get there fast, especially when you can.
  • Groups of said people who have strollers should give up the child for adoption, with the hope that such behavior is not genetic.  Ohh, wait- you mean that's the nanny watching the kid?
  • Why don't we through fits about illegal immigrants who work as nannies?  I never see a group of elderly British women picketing Building on Bond.
  • And is there a reward for reporting the bastards who don't pay the payroll taxes on nannies?  If there is, I have a feeling my financial situation is about to improve.  Ka-ching!
  • My last mini-rant about nannies.  I understand our nation requires most homes to have both parents work in order to have any sort of expendable income.  I understand the actual wages, especially of fathers, have been driven down to the point where it is inconceivable for a mother to stay home, especially if she is college educated and can earn a decent income.  However, what I don't understand is why people are so stingy in paying their nannies.  Is it really a good idea to task someone with watching your first born, give them the keys to your house, access to most of your crap, and then pay them $7 an hour?  There is a reason they only give the manager the keys and the combo to the safe at McDonald's, and use Grimace as an enforcer.  People, all I'm saying is if you want to make sure your kid doesn't wind up working at some sweat shop, or for sale on the black market, you better cut a check for a Christmas bonus.
Now I have to go back to work and lesson plan.  Too bad I don't have a real teaching job in which I work only at school and have no other responsibilities- oh, wait, those don't exist.

Best thing EVER said by Peyton Manning



Just watch.

49ers make big mistake

49ers make offer to Smith, not interested in - 03-07-2012

To be honest, if you are an NFL team and you are not super confident in your quarterback - and if people second guess your loyalty on a regular basis (49ers and Jets), you would be stupid not to go for Peyton. Even if he declines and goes elsewhere, you have nothing to lose. Do people think that Alex Smith will cry himself to sleep? Mark Sanchez? Well, Sanchez might cry himself to sleep. But I think these QBs might understand.

Here is my theory.

The real reason why the 49ers are not looking into Peyton Manning:
Peyton Manning replaced Jim Harbaugh with the Colts.

Bam.

Wayne and Manning...together again?

Could Reggie Wayne be the key to landing Pey - 03-07-2012

This is just downright scary. Manning, Wayne, Marshall, and Bush? Yeesh.

Will the billboards convince him to go?

He got cut, right?

...because it seems like Peyton either died or retired.

Legend.

Ouch.

It was a little painful to watch Peyton Manning cry.

Drew Brees is NOT happy

Report: Unhappy Brees doesn't intend to sign - 03-06-2012

This whole New Orleans - Drew Brees situation baffles me. Clearly he is one of the top three QBs in the league and should get paid and treated like one. Brees did NOT want the Saints to place the tag on him and they did. He likely feels that he deserves to get paid more than Mike Vick - and he does. The Saints are being a bit ridiculous right now. Make it right, Saints.

Are the Saints going to put a bounty on Brees?

Peyton to take his talents to South Beach?

Report: Peyton Manning to be released (warm - 03-06-2012

^ The above link is for Miami fans.

What happens if Peyton goes to Miami?
1. Scary unhappy Sundays when the Dolphins play the Jets.
2. Fans go to games.
3. Retired Indiana people living in Florida will go crazy (for football not mentally)
4. The Dolphins become relevant.
5. The chances of the Pats winning the AFC-East diminish. Big time.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Randy Moss "lit it up"!

Follow the link to this story: http://aol.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2012-03-06/randy-moss-new-orleans-saints-drew-brees-nfl-free-agency

Apparently Randy Moss lit it up.  Moss may be ready to explode, but lets keep in mind that he has had issues with Mary Jane in the past.  I don't know if Jay Glazer used the right expression here.

Mistakes

Colts expected to part ways with Manning aft - 03-06-2012

Just click on the stupid link.

Message for Jim Irsay


A picture says at least 2 words.

A Typical Evening for Mike and Sarah

4:00 pm - Sarah arrives at the humble abode from the scary building. Sarah launches her bag on the back of a chair. She sighs. She tries to abolish the day from recent memories.

4-4:30 pm - Sarah walks the dogs and collects poop in a plastic bag that claims to smell pleasant (it does not)

4:30-5 pm: Mike arrives with a lovely smile followed by a scary scowl. Mike and Sarah either order food or make a salad. Mike prepares the chicken (if food was not ordered). Mike sits on the sofa if food is ordered. Sarah reads NFL rumors online. <---that defies stereotypes.

5-5:30: Mike and Sarah devour food and change into sexy sweat pants.

5:30-7: Mike and Sarah watch TV. TV shows include HBO awesomeness and showtime fantasies (no one lives like the characters on showtime shows...)

7-9: Mike works on lesson plans. Sarah wastes time on the computer while writing angry letters to inanimate objects or random douche bags.

9-9:15: Mike and Sarah walk the dogs and pick poop up with a bag. Mike gets mad at Sarah for dangling poop in his face. Mike and Sarah then talk about work.

9:15-10:30: Mike and Sarah watch a game of sorts. Sarah talks about her love for Peyton Manning. Mike gets jealous.

10:30-11: Mike and Sarah watch a show on the DVR. Sarah and Mike start to get sad about the next day (work). Sarah and Mike go to webmd and find different diseases that they have and diagnose themselves.

11:00: Sarah realizes that she will go to work and takes a shower. Mike goes to bed and hides under the covers hoping that the next day can't see him and the alarm cannot penetrate the blanket.

11:20: Sarah joins Mike and then dreams about bizarre crap that could never be repeated in public.

Peyton > the Colts


For the past few months, I thought I accepted the fact that Peyton would never again play as an Indianapolis Colt. Well, apparently my thoughts are clouded and made out of excrement and vomit.

I am pretty upset about this “divorce.” Probably more upset about this than I was in regards to my own divorce a few years back. Whoops.

When I go through facebook and twitter I feel my rage multiply and boil. People are “thanking” Peyton and saying the NFL is either a business or it was time to move on – all in the same sentence. My response: Shut up and ________ Jim Irsay and his erroneous decision-making. 4MVPs, a crap-ton of wins, division titles to decorate the home Indy built for 18, and a Lombardi trophy – all because of one guy. A guy that gets hung out to dry.

The Colts and Irsay better hope they NEVER see Peyton as an opponent.  Peyton will destroy them. I would predict that he would have 4 tds, 450 years, and a fart in the face of Robert Mathis.

I really hope that Peyton goes to an AFC South team – like the Titans. I would get to see two beat-downs per season. The Jets would be nice too – mainly because I would have easy access to live games and apparel. But I would not get upset with Miami either…

Peyton, the ball is in your court. Kick some ass. About ¾ of the Colts fans are with you.

Screw you, Jim Irsay.



On a side note: I will always be a Colts fan. But I will cheer for Peyton until he retires and hope he wins the SB every year until then. Indianapolis Colts – you are secondary (HAHAHAHA secondary….). Have fun being mediocre for the next few years.  

Priceless Pep talk


I don't know about you - but I need a pep talk this morning.

T-Wolves target the Clippers and love the beating

Timberwolves 95, Clippers 94: Kevin Love's 3 - 03-06-2012

What a messed up title, right? Unless you are a LA Clippers fan (there used to be two of you) and a fan of basketball, you should be happy that the Timberwolves won last night. Kevin Love is underrated. Yeah, he was an all-star - but why don't people run around saying they are 'in love?' This guy gets a double/double almost every game. He is fun to watch and he works hard. On top of that, Ricky Rubio is the best passer in the league right now. I guess the Timberwolves were on to something a few years back with that ghost draft pick.

Good for the Timberwolves. Good for Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio.

St. Randy

New Orleans Saints plan to bring in receiver - 03-06-2012

No, not Randy Quaid. Randy Moss. Remember him? Tall and talented guy from West Virginia? Yeah, his name is popping up every week or so. Most recently, the Saints are rumored to be checking him out (probably the legs).

Why wouldn't the Saints bring in Randy Moss? They can get him on the cheap and he plays exceptionally well with "very good" quarterbacks. But the question is this...can moss grow in New Orleans?

Monday, March 5, 2012

Odom dreams of LA

Lamar Odom 'desperate to go back to L.A.' - 03-05-2012

Yeah, he is acting like a Kardashian. Someone should just be quiet and play basketball.

Now this may be a rumor. No one really knows. But if by chance there is truth to this - it makes it more glaringly obvious that there is something fundamentally wrong with the thinking of NBA players. Me first and team second. That makes my head go sideways bobble head.

Brook Lopez out three weeks

Brook Lopez out three weeks with sprained an - 03-05-2012

The casual sports fan probably just thought some lady is out of 'Dancing with the Stars' or something. Is he from the block too? Kidding.

Poor Nets.

Not really. No one likes them anyway.

Wes Welker Catches Something...

Pats slap franchise tag on Wes Welker - 03-05-2012

Pats put the tag on Wes Welker. Yeah, this is not a shock. Welker is good. No one should be surprised.

What should surprise you is the W.W. initials. What is his middle name? Woodrow? WWW.

Finally! Mathis and Irsay Make a Deal

Indianapolis Colts, veteran defensive end Ro - 03-05-2012

Now Robert Mathis can go back to making mean faces and throwing tires, or whatever it is he does in his spare time.

We all know Freeney is spinning around in circles...

Letters of Anger - Part Three


Dear Nature’s Grill,

If I wanted yellow lettuce, I would have picked up a wilted flower at the corner bodega and dropped it in the salad spinner. Don’t do that again.

Love,
Sarah


Dear Clock at Faculty Meeting,

Did you hands fall off? Because someone didn’t see you!

Love,
Sarah and Mike

Dear Jameson Adverts on the Subway,

Thanks. You make alcoholism seem like a promising career filled with expansive diction and good-looking outlooks.

Awekjflove,
Sadjklarah annnnnnnnnd Miiiiiiiiiiikeeeeee


Dear Cranberries (the food),

No one likes you. People just pretend to at Thanksgiving. The sweet potato mocks you and calls you the menstrual blood of edibles.

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear G Train,

You remind me of a certain type of school bus.

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear Direct TV,

How would you like it if chunks of the payment were missing this month?

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear Pigeons,

Please resist the urge to mate with a rat. The world already has the warthog, blobfish, and Donald Trump.

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear MTA,

Wet Paint? Who are you fooling?

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear Late Night Train Service,

You are slow and you smell. You remind me of me after a cross-country meet (post puberty).

Love,
Sarah (Mike was too busy being old when Sarah was in middle school)


Dear Tim Allen,

It must make your man parts flex to know that your Toy Story character is cooler than Tom Hanks’. Too bad he could buy your sitcom and eat it for breakfast.

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear Bartenders that attempt to look fancy when making a Jack and Diet,

It is whiskey from the south and soda from a factory. The high altitude drop of the whiskey does not impress. Make it quick.

Love,
Sarah and Mike


Dear Mitch Daniels and Mike Bloomberg,

Oompa looma doopity doo. Yeah, that doesn't work. They had hair and charisma.

Love,
Sarah and Mike