Many of you seemed to enjoy Sarah's post about bathroom etiquette so I decided to write the Just for Men version, in honor of Walt "Clyde" Frazier and Kieth Hernandez-- two paragons of society who would probably call you, and I do mean you, out on these bathroom behaviors.
Scenario One: The Powerlifter
This describes the person who enters the stall and begins grunting like he is trying to through up 350 on the bench press and needs a spot. Is it necessary for you to grunt like your passing a kidney stone? If you are passing a kidney stone, take a day off and do it from home for god's sake. The powerlifter has the effect of making everyone in the bathroom, as well as those within ear shot, of being incredibly uncomfortable and not knowing how to react. Some of us try to hide our laughter, some are disgusted, but all just want to forget or trash the powerlifter.
Suggestions to discourage the Powerlifter: Share this blog post with them or buy an Everlast weight lifting belt and present them with a gift in the bathroom for a more direct approach.
Scenario Two: The Sprinkler
One of the most underrated inventions of all time is the urinal. It allows men to quickly use the bathroom to urinate, is aptly named, and always clean. Better yet, it is nearly impossible to miss a urinal unless you try to piss across the room-- I have not done this, for the record. Regrettably, some men seem to have a fear of the urinal for some reason. This causes them to enter the stall area, where accuracy issues result in a seat covered in piss-- devastating for those who need to take a dump. This public menace must be put down. How hard is it to not piss all over the seat? I wish I had the vocabulary and rhyming skills of Walt Frazier so I could properly embarrass this individual- the best I can come up with is "pissing and missing". If you have better suggestions please share.
Suggestions to discourage the Sprinkler: This is all about the level of tact you wish to use- If you are a brash person you can strike up a conversation and state that you had to hover when you crapped because some asshole pissed all over the seat. If you are less brash, you can mention that the toilet is a mess, and you wish people would be more considerate. If you want to be passive aggressive place a target on the toilet seat.
Scenario Three: The Chatterbox
In the bathroom, pleasantries are polite. At the urinal,limited conversation may be uncomfortable, but understandable, even if you should have the 1,000 yard stare into the tiles on the wall working. On a separate note, why don't they hang interesting pictures above urinals- imagine discussing a Picasso after taking a piss. It would be a boon to the arts! However, I do not like to talk if I am in a stall. I do not like to even acknowledge the existence of other human beings while I am in the stall. Do not talk to me. When that door closes, imagine me going to my happy place like Happy Gilmore when he was putting. Don't try to strike up a conversation. I won't think you are rude. For those of you who like to talk, I suggest you shut the fuck up. No one wants to have their rituals and routines disrupted.
Suggestions to discourage the Chatterbox: Again, this is all about your comfort level. You can be passive aggressive and just not respond, but this is not a very effective tactic. I would recommend one of two strategies to turn off another individual from yapping away. The first is to keep on repeating "what was that?" "I didn't catch that", with the hope that eventually the chatterbox begins shouting and shames himself into shutting up. The second technique is more proactive, and it involves saying things like, "damn, that corn from last night isn't agreeing with me", or "call Mr. Softy, I have a new flavor". This will make even the most talkative crapper to reconsider.
Scenario Four: Mutually Assured Destruction
Cold War terminology is probably appropriate for the individual who goes nuclear in the bathroom on a daily basis. This expert bomber has completed countless missions, and ruined many a toilet seat. For the average person, there is little to be done when this man just sits on the toilet and craps for 10 consecutive minutes. When you gotta go, I guess you gotta go. My issues with this person are two fold. First- develop a better schedule, for example if your lactose intolerant, maybe it isn't a good idea to have a bowl of cereal with milk and 2 grande latte's before work. Leave that for home. Secondly, how about showing a some consideration and giving a courtousy flush. No one wants the toilet to look like a sewer and feel that a plumber needs to be found post haste. Take the extra 2.5 seconds to flush it down again, for humanity's sake.
Suggestions to discourage MAD: Again, we are pretty much helpless here. The best solution is to find out the time table for this person, and be sure to get in and out of the bathroom like a Navy Seal before the area is carpet bombed.
Scenario Five: The Librarian
The Librarian is the bathroom reader. At home, go for it. Install book cases in your favorite bathroom. Hell, put a television in there for all I care. However, in public, don't be the one. No one likes to see a newspaper covered in poo particles laying on the floor, or sitting on a ledge. The best are the ones who take the librarian role seriously, and hang the paper from the handrail thing on the stall (for those of you outside the NYC area, all bathrooms are required to have a handicapped handrail built after 2005) like you were actually in the library! Yikes. Not only does this have the effect of nastiness, but it gives you the mental picture of someone taking a massive dump just before you arrived. Not what you want to be thinking about when your just trying to get in and out.
Suggestions for dealing with the Librarian: Again, this is a difficult situation to prevent. If there is a copy of the New York Post, use it to whip your ass because that is the real reason it is published. Otherwise, I would recommend purchasing a biohazard suit to deal with the paper that is left on the floor and covered in crap and piss.
Scenario Six: The Techno Crapper
Technology can be a wonderful thing. The information age has allowed us to share our ideas, increase our productivity, and stay in contact with loved ones. Touch screen devices, like our advanced cell phones, are all the rage making it easier then ever to use these modern wonders. However, we must examine the bounds of this world. Should it enter the bathroom? No. Especially not when you are in a stall. No one wants to overhear your argument with your significant other casting blame on them for under cooking the chicken causing your current predicament. Stay off the phone! I also ask the question, do you wash your hands after crapping? I hope so! Do you wash your phone? Thought not! Yuck. That touches your face. And your crappy hands. Awesome.
Suggestions for dealing with the Techno Crapper: The best tactic to stop the techno crappers reign of terror is to begin flushing the toilet like a mad man. Hopefully, the person on the other end of the phone will be disgusted, and hang up leaving the techno crapper no one to talk to. As an added bonus you may provide additional ammunition for the fight on the phone, helping to deliver victory for the techno crapper's significant other!
Scenario Seven: The Powerboater
This is the toilet terror who does not powerlift, but makes you feel like you stopped by the Marina with the sounds emanating from their rear. Being in the bathroom at the same time as the flagellant friend makes you wish you had at least brought ear plugs, and perhaps a gas mask as well. The worst part of this experience is the "ahhhh" sound, or the "ohh God" after the powerboater has completed their dastardly deed.
Suggestions for dealing with the Powerboater: There isn't much you can do here. Go to your happy place. I like to imagine the strolling down the 18th of Augusta with a 7 shot lead. The smell of the magnolia's helps. Just be grateful you don't carpool with the powerboater because just like an earthquake, there are bound to be aftershocks.
Final thoughts: The best way to avoid any and all of these situations is to purchase some Imodium AD and make sure you get home before having to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, most of us don't have that option. In all honesty, if you do any of these things STOP IMMEDIATELY. Don't be the one!
You had to 1-up me, jerk.
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