The emergence of Sarah Patty

I am a woman of few words. In conversation I resemble a 'silent but deadly' fart. I refrain from speaking unless it is important or potent. Given this fact, when I speak excessively - my voice takes a vacation and leaves me sounding like Peppermint Patty.

Yesterday I had the first day of a parent-teacher conference double-header. In conjunction, I had a lot of social time. To make a long and boring story short - I talked nonstop from 8:20am-11:30pm and ultimately lost my voice. It flew out of my mouth and got sucked into the life-sucking black hole of Brooklyn. I am almost certain that my voice went to hang out with my soul.

Whatever....

Day two of parent-teacher conferences was a bit embarrassing. I can't speak. I sound like that stupid 'Peanuts' character and likely look like I belong in some sort of hospital that has tranquilizer darts.

Whatever (again)...

I wanted to communicate to the parents of my students using AAC devices or picture symbols - but this was all I could find...

Two things:

1. Definitely is spelled incorrectly. 

2. This decapitated blueberry of a character has his hand in his pants. 

Sigh.

Whatever.

When Donovan McNabb speaks...

no one listens.

But I heard from someone who heard from someone that McNabb said that RGIII would not be a good fit for the Shannahan system.

Maybe McNabb choked on sour grapes.

Mike's On: Jim Irsay

This is old, obviously. But they both have a tendency to drive me insane.

I wish Jim would wear a suit that did not make him look like he sold cars for a living.

After this interview - they went out for salami!

Say it like it is...

Derrelle Revis called Bill Belichick a jerk.

Rob Gronkowski called Rex Ryan an entertainer.

Yep, and people says that football players lack intelligence. I guess everyone can point out the obvious.

Mike swings like Tiger Woods [Video]

Jim Irsay is undecided

Colts owner Jim Irsay: Andrew Luck at No. 1 - 03-28-2012

Today on twitter, Irsay tweeted, "I've stumped you on this riddle!! Ranger,Gate,3 sisters...hmmmmm!!"

Seriously, dude? Do you think that your followers are that dense?

RGIII - I figured your riddle out within approximately 2 seconds. Now it should be noted - I am terrible at riddles, mysteries, and thinking creatively. I always considered myself sneakily slow.

But anyway - it appears that the Colts are undecided about who to take at number 1. I am going to go drastic with my next statement and promise. But what can I say? I enjoy being drastic. I will put it in scientific form for the delight on my more hypothesis-thinking readers.


If the Indianapolis Colts select RGIII as the number one pick of the 2012 draft, then Sarah will throw in the Indianapolis towel and find another team. 

Why?

P-Dog. All the fans heard was with Luck, this decision to release P-Dog was a no brainer. Well, apparently some do not have a brain. The Colts could have traded the number one pick and grabbed RGIII while keeping Manning.

I want to throw something.

Tiger Woods 2013 on the Xbox360

Just got a chance to turn on the game and use it with the Kinect- very excited to see what happens- will keep you posted.

Great things:
Jim Nantz is the voice- thank God they didn't bring in Dan Hicks- you all know how I feel about him.

Okay things:


Lame things:
You cannot use the Kinect to upload a pic for the gameface, you have to do it through the EA sports website- and it takes forever to render.

The Kinect makes it impossible to control the game.  They should make it possible for you to just swing with the Kinect, after doing everything else with the controller.  Fix this and the game would be great.  Don't, and the Kinect function is worthless.

Testing

Hi there.

The Winds of Winter [Game of Thrones]

For all of those super excited about Game of Thrones on HBO, read the book- you only have a few more days to read about 1,200 pages.  For those of you who have read all of those pages plus all the other books [like me] check out this new excerpt from Winds of Winter!  Hopefully George R.R. Martin will finish the book before he has a massive heart attack- when I saw the pictures of him, and heard about the plans for at least two more books, I wasn't sure if the investment in reading was worth it.  Real fans should get together and buy this dude a treadmill.

FACT

99% of the time - When LOL is texted. The texter merely breathes heavily while frowning. Laughter is almost never even 'ALMOST' involved.

House is right. Everyone lies.

The Friendship Hierarchy

What is this? I will tell you. This is the hierarchy of Sarah's friends and/or acquaintances.

Explanation:

Tier 1 - Name and Animal Combination: This tier is where my favorite people reside. There are very few. I will say these are people that I may not know too well. I just simply know that I like them. When I admire or adore someone, they get a dog or cat after a letter in their name.
People in Tier 1: Peyton Manning (P-Dog). Mike (M-Dog). Funny little student (little P-Dog). Superior(s) (R-Dog and T-Cat).
Note: If you say anything negative about the people in tier 1 - you will suffer verbal consequences. 

Tier 2 - Sometimes I like to call refer to people with their name and an adjective. If the adjective is flattering or endearing - that means I really like the person. This is the category that contains most of my friends. Only people I don't know well, students, superiors, and Mike make the first tier. This is not a knock on my friends.
Sample People in Tier 2: James Spader (Creepy Deviant). Rachel (Colorful Rachel). Para at school (Alpha Para).

Tier 3 - For the most part - this means I either don't care too much about you or you are just a mere acquaintance. For example, if a person from this category lost contact with me for 4 years - I would not notice.
Sample People in Tier 3: Oh, come on...I have a heart. ALTHOUGH some names look like this... mean ________, witchy _________, stupid ___________, ridiculous _________, etc.... Try to avoid tier 3.

So there you have it. It is sort of like Dante's Inferno - except more positive.

Yeah, I JUST compared myself to Dante.

Dwight Freeney trade, release reports

Dwight Freeney trade, release reports just r - 03-27-2012

This "rumor" has been out there for a while. Wouldn't they want to stop it from spreading as soon as it started? Sounds like the Colts could not get what they wanted and are constructing a smoke and mirror display.

The Grigson and Irsay tandem lacks the element of 'smooth' that most teams exhibit.

The "Jetbow"

Hungry anyone?  This new Tim Tebow inspired sandwich, at Carnegie Deli, looks really good.  Yum.  Check out the link, and prepare not to eat for a week to be able to finish this giant meal.

Tebow completes his first pass

Watch Tim Tebow handle the tough questions perfectly.  Already 1 for 1 as a Jet!
On a separate note, I am hoping Tim Tebow will visit my classroom to deliver a motivational speech for my inner-city students, and myself.

Tim also has perhaps the best Jets related tie in their long bungled history of press conferences- no Wranglers here folks!

Chad Ochocinco Makes a Deal

Chad Ochocinco cuts deal - 03-26-2012

Did the agent make 'relevance' part of the deal?

Sean Payton, Bill Parcells talk role

Sean Payton, Bill Parcells talk role - 03-26-2012

Seriously? I would imagine this as the battle of the buttholes.

Why do all scary coaches stick together.

Parcells, Payton, Bill Hoodie Patriot, Bob Knight.... They all probably go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Mundane Mondays

I suppose Mike and I are slacking on the sports posts today. Monday is synonymous with hell - so naturally we have been putting out fires.

Firefighting of treacherous Monday roughly translates to - watching 3.5 hours worth of mind melting television via the DVR.

Crap we watched:
1. Mad Men - Fantastic! We have to get used to the heavy dialogue and sex appeal. Generally it takes us a few episodes to jump back in the fire. By fire I mean Don Draper's cigarette.

2. Shameless - What a wonderfully depressing show. I feel like I should worry a little less about my petty problems after watching this filth-drenched show. I can honestly say that I hope that John Cusack's sister does not sit on my face with a pillow and send me to my death at her ho-spice.

3. Californication - Holy Moly. Although this show is getting tiresome with the same ol' crap - the season is wrapping up quite nicely. It is nice to see the fellow from X-Files not acting like a complete perverted loon. Go Hank Moody.

Celebrity Apprentice - Running Commentary (3.25.12)

We skipped dinner so we can have a big bowl of the  'Celebrity Apprentice'!

Predictions Before the Show:
Sarah says Lou will be given the boot. The men WILL lose.

1. Why don't they just say, " __________ F'd me over." But no, they say "________threw me under the bus." It is like the 'I will piggyback off of ____________" - that crap is overused in the education industry.

2. Sarah always feels uncomfortable when grown 'Hulks' cry.

3. "Crystal Light! I would Project Manager the shit out of this!" - S.The.Woman

4. STW takes that back - Mojito flavor tastes like crap.

This is Mojito Crystal Light

5. No city like NYC? Sodom? Gomorrah?

6. Is Aubrey going for the Rainbow Bright look?

7. Define fun, Clay Aiken. Oh the beech. Right. Speedos.

8. Why do the women always seem to be eating?

9. Lisa says 'bitch' more than Sarah says "and" ...

10. Clay reminds Sarah of play dough.

11. Ivana says she would not imagine seeing a room full of men as a bunch of stiffs.... Get in the gutter, girl!

12. Find google images of flowers. Don't waste time by visiting a park. Nothing is authentic - not even Debbie Gibson songs.

13. How much fun has Clay had under the boardwalk? I bet he collected shells as a child.

14. Ronald McDonald's love child has to go (thanks T.P. for bring this to attention). Her voice makes her seem like she is running from a sexual assault from the Hamburgler.

15. Paul with little umbrellas made my week!

16.  Those Popsicles look like crap!

17.  This doesn't look like a very fun party- Crystal Light signage would have made it more fun.  Too bad.

18.  I love how they are trying to have a party at 10am-  really?  10am?  This is when people party now a days?  I am out of the loop.

19. When people say "Par-TAYYYYYY" - I check out and leave the scene of the crime.

20. Sarah just got retweeted by Eric Trump on twitter. Yeah, that is TWO interactions. Be jealous, Michael. ;)

21. Naturally Clay would go with a fruit theme. It is TOO easy Clay. TOO easy.

22. Boardroom time. Prediction: Aubrey will wear her scary pants.

23. Aubrey looks like a black and white cookie dipped in ketchup.

24.  This is going to be close- I think that the men will win though, it seemed like the executives had more fun there.  I also think that the previewing of Aubrey crying kind of gave it away.

25. scratch that, she is about to cry now.

26.  And Clay Aiken needs to shave- he looks like Carrot Top on a bender after his career failed- that is actually unfair- Carrot Top never really had a career.

27. Did someone shoot Don Jr. with a hair dryer. Holy fluffy hair!

28. Sarah wants to Lisa's favorite word slap Aubrey.

29.  Debbie Gibson looks like she is about to go to Prom.

30.  Tears, ha tears- delicious tears.  Aubrey has a broken heart!

31.  Clay seems like a nice guy- unless you are Dee, Lou or Paul.

32.  Why do they all hate Lou?  He seems like he is annoying and follower- and he just mocked Aubrey, but they should want him to stay because he isn't a threat.  Strategy, folks.  It isn't a four letter word.

33.  Too bad the charity isn't Kleenex this week.

34.  Deyenna is waaaaaaayyyyyy overdue to go- just like my over emphasis of way and use of exclamation marks!

35.  Lou is mega pissed- he didn't know you could give 150%- damn, maybe that is why he always winds up in the board room.

36. Don Jr keeps retweeting when fans say he is sexy. Theory: He does Celeb Apprentice and puts up with stupidity for an ego boost.

37.  Now Lou's head just exploded- Aubrey went from %150 to %110.  Not only did she apparently give %40 less effort on the walk into the board room, she stole his thing-  I wonder if she'll say it 10 more times.

38.  Ivanna with the outstanding question- Patricia wants out- or Hugo Chavez wants her back home.  Couldn't either of these ladies supported the "Overthrow of Chavez" fund?

39.  Donald Jr. putting Deyanna's feet to the fire- she um ummed her way out of it- that means she doesn't believe she is a strong player.

40.  Easy choice for the Donald tonight- she dropped the ball with the branding and had to pay.  Aubrey should have just said that was the mistake that she made, and that is why they lost and saved all of the heart ache and arguing with Deyenna.

41.  I think it would be a nice touch to have Michael Andretti drive each week's loser to the airport.  It would be a good use of labor.

Final Thoughts:
Mike:  This episode was okay.  I would have more to say, but I had too much work to do.  That sucks.  Don't say teachers have easy jobs.  You know I worked too much when I didn't comment on the CA until over an hour in.  Go Lou!

Sarah: The best part of this episode was the commercials. I enjoy Acura commercials especially. The soothing voice of James Spader is a perk before bedtime. Night night.

Letters of Inquiry - Part 1

Dear Sugar-Free Cough Drops,

What did I do to you? Did you get cold when I undressed you from your wrapper? Did my mouth offend you with the stench of left over coffee? I need answers.

Love,

A typically able-bodied person in explosive pain

Dear Brooklyn,

Why do you smell like a giant dumpster when it is warm? Are you God’s garbage can? Or are we in Sodom or Gomorrah? Oh God, this just got biblical. Jesse Ventura and Rick Santorum need to check this out.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Trader Joe’s,

Tell me if I am correct. Years ago, back in the beginning stages of your enterprise – the store was actually called ‘Trader Hoes’ and you frequently dealt with trafficking hookers on tropical islands – hence the pirate shirts. When trafficking became frowned upon, your leaders decided to go organic and trendy. Spot on? Thought so.

Love,

Sarah

Dear guy that came into Petsmart and rudely asked, “do you do stripping?!’,

It is 10:00am – take your kids and singles and go to a real strip club.

Love,
Sarah

Dear press, politicans, and most misguided citizens of the United States,

Why do you hate educators so much?

Love,

Sarah