Letters of Anger - Part Three

Dear Nature’s Grill,

If I wanted yellow lettuce, I would have picked up a wilted flower at the corner bodega and dropped it in the salad spinner. Don’t do that again.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Clock at Faculty Meeting,

Did you hands fall off? Because someone didn’t see you!

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear Jameson Adverts on the Subway,

Thanks. You make alcoholism seem like a promising career filled with expansive diction and good-looking outlooks.

Awekjflove,

Sadjklarah annnnnnnnnd Miiiiiiiiiiikeeeeee

Dear Cranberries (the food),

No one likes you. People just pretend to at Thanksgiving. The sweet potato mocks you and calls you the menstrual blood of edibles.

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear G Train,

You remind me of a certain type of school bus.

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear Direct TV,

How would you like it if chunks of the payment were missing this month?

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear Pigeons,

Please resist the urge to mate with a rat. The world already has the warthog, blobfish, and Donald Trump.

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear MTA,

Wet Paint? Who are you fooling?

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear Late Night Train Service,

You are slow and you smell. You remind me of me after a cross-country meet (post puberty).

Love,

Sarah (Mike was too busy being old when Sarah was in middle school)

Dear Tim Allen,

It must make your man parts flex to know that your Toy Story character is cooler than Tom Hanks’. Too bad he could buy your sitcom and eat it for breakfast.

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear Bartenders that attempt to look fancy when making a Jack and Diet,

It is whiskey from the south and soda from a factory. The high altitude drop of the whiskey does not impress. Make it quick.

Love,

Sarah and Mike

Dear Mitch Daniels and Mike Bloomberg,

Oompa looma doopity doo. Yeah, that doesn't work. They had hair and charisma.

Love,

Sarah and Mike