Pathetic and Empathic Musings Via the Turd Tube and Table Talk

Pathetic Musing #1:

I am just going to go on and say it – I am spoiled. Everyday I go pedestrian and walk to work. I leave at 7:35 and arrive at my education factory site at 7:45. My walk is pleasant and lacks the (stereo) typical New York stress. I relish my commute.

Due to a temporary shift in my work site this week, my travel has been drastically altered (by a 3 hour tour (Xs2) to be exact).  Thus, I have been mobile. More specifically, I have been mobile via the turd tube (aka the subway). For the record, I do not mind the subway. The subway provides me with ample time to read and mentally prepare for the day. So the whole three-hour subway ride does not bother me (too) much. This morning though – I thought I was going to lose it. And by losing it – I mean vomiting up my morning break Atkins bar (apple crisp).

Picture it. I was quietly reading a Stephen King book and listening to Yann Tiersen when suddenly I smelled something fierce. Now do not get me wrong, I do realize that it is typical for the subway to smell but today was something special and ripe.

I am about 99% certain that ten minutes prior to my arrival on the M train in Queens, approximately ten homeless obese men squatted and took a group shit – equipped with last night’s burrito and hot wings. On top of that, I am pretty sure that two minutes before my arrival, the group of homeless poop squatters lit the pile of excrement with a match. Poops-a-flame! And that leaves the final minute before my arrival- in this minute, I am 99.9% sure that these squatters urinated on the flames to extinguish the possibility of a burning death.

My olfactory system was HELL this morning. The only cure was the overpowering floor/showroom of a Macy’s make-up counter. And unfortunately – they were not open at 7:50am. I had to settle for school smell with a splash of Queens.

Such is life.

Empathetic Musing #1:

I had another odd encounter of the M train this morning. Thankfully this did not involve a malodorous collision of aerated proportions in my nose. This odd encounter involved a man attempting to beat me in an awkward staring contest.

I am not naïve. Sometimes men look at me. I had two colossal mounds located approximately 8 inches above my belly button. By colossal mounds – I mean inverted caves. But self-deprecation aside, I do get an occasional look. So anyway, this morning a dude comes in with a plastic bag full of donuts and a backpack (probably full of milk?). He sets down his breakfast equipment, stares at me, walks down to the middle of the train (still staring), and begins to do pull-ups.

Naturally I thought that the donut box contained a bomb. I briefly imagined the MTA/NYPD signs that read, “If you see something– say something.” Then I remembered that we were underground and lack cellphone reception. So boom. Sarah is dead. While this cluster*uc* of a thought was going through my cranium, the guy continued to stare at me. He stared all the way until the next stop. When the doors opened, he grabbed his breakfast bags, and ran out the door. Poor pathetic man. He did not even look like he had tight abs or muscular arms. The whole “exercise” was such a waste of strength, effort, and eye contact.

Pathetic Musing #2:

Today during my grading fury, I noticed one of the “district leaders” hiding in a corner. Curious as to what she was doing, I caught a glimpse of a bag of chocolate chips in her hands. Then I realized that she was shoveling them in her mouth. Every three seconds she looked behind her sheepishly (probably hoping that no one witnessed this act of morbid nastiness).

I saw it. This is too easy. I cannot even bring myself to type anything snarky. Everything is done for me. : Sigh:

Empathetic Musing #2:

There is this lady that works for the district that employs me. She is very sweet and gregarious. I enjoy her workshops and her company. Today I noticed that she smiles all of the time. She has a nice smile that is infectious. She makes my mouth form a “u” and the sunbeams emerge on the outsides of my eyes.

But unfortunately for her – this woman has fallen victim to the typical American overconsumption and super-size me way of life. As I was thinking about how she had a great disposition, I had a morbid thought in conjunction. I thought of her dying and forklifted out of her apartment (she is not THAT big). This made me very sad. I do really likes this lady. L I do not want her to die of excessive consumption of fatty foods. I want her to smile and make cantankerous educators infectiously happy at workshops.

Pathetic Musing #3:

Today I was in an above-average mood. For far too many consecutive hours, I reaped the benefits of the company of my tablemates and the sunshine peering in through the prison-like windows of the public school auditorium. Because I am not used to such happiness – I decided to bring myself back down to earth. To get gravity to catch a hold of my mood, I pulled out the phone and clicked on my amazon.com application. From there I browsed countless Peyton Manning items that were at the very least 50% off. I then got depressed. All was normal again in SarahLand. Pathetic.